Greener Pastures

I hate grass.

Every time I do the slightest bit of yard work I think of what a terrible idea it is to surround a house with weeds, and then spend money, time and resources maintaining the stupid thing.

A strong sentiment, I know. But let me tell you how I got here.

We had some weeds – you know, the “bad” kind – growing throughout our lawn and shrub beds, and they had gotten so unruly that they were choking the real plants we had paid good money for. Of course, neither MisterE nor MisterA (who has been tending our lawn for years) noticed any of this, so it was up to me to save the day.

Mind you, I don’t own gardening tools – I shudder at the thought – so it was me and my gloved hands vs. nature. It did not go well.

Within seconds of starting I was scratched by something, and my arm swelled up and turned beetroot red. A wise man might have stopped then, but stubborn as I am, I continued to work.

I parted some shrubs and what I thought was a hummingbird flew directly at my face. It became quickly evident that this was no hummingbird, but some sort of wasp the size of my head. Unwilling to die by Murder Hornet, I ducked just in time… and I continued to work.

Some of the weeds ran so deep that it took both arms and all my glute strength to uproot them. In doing so I shook loose tons of mold spores, which I am incredibly allergic to, and soon enough I was coughing and light-headed.

Do you think that stopped me? Of course not. I’m nothing if not unreasonable. I was in too deep, so I continued to work.

For anyone who is about to say, “But grass looks so nice,” I will do my best not to judge your taste in nature. What I will say is that mountains are nice, but you don’t see me trying to grow a mountain in my backyard.

And if you’re going to say it’s easier to grow grass than a mountain, I will counter with, “Is it?” Is it really?

All I’m saying, people, is that there’s a better way. If we all band together and rise up against HOAs everywhere, we can be lawn free by this time next year.

Here are my suggestions for grassless landscaping that is great for the earth and for your sanity.

Hardscaping

Hardscaping refers to a built environment incorporated into the landscape. Think of extended patios, giant pavers, swimming pools, sports courts and outdoor kitchens.

Artificial Turf

Yes, I said it. I would pick fake grass over real grass any day. Artificial grass has come a long way since the 80s. It is now hyper-realistic, requires no watering, no mowing, no pest control, and no second thoughts.

Rocks and Ground Cover

Desert Chic is in. You can create some amazing sculptures using boulders, rocks and plants which naturally never grow more than five inches high. Periwinkle, Creeping Thyme and Sweet Woodruff are some low maintenance, sturdy options to consider.

Gravel

Crunch, Crunch, Crunch. Think about it: no one would ever be able to sneak up on you. It’s landscaping and a security device! This stuff practically sells itself.

Sand Gardens

Take a note from a Zen Master and curate a sand garden. It will take up all your time to keep it looking just so, and you will probably lose friends and family because you’re constantly screaming, “Get off my lawn!” But it’s not grass.

Succulents

What hardly drinks water and is hard-working, low-maintenance and strangely good looking? No, not me, silly. It’s desert plants! Pair them with gravel, rocks and bit of ground cover for a really attractive, self-sustaining view.

Mr. E and I are planning a major backyard renovation in the next few months, and I honestly cannot wait. If I get my way we will end up with a single square foot of real grass, for the sake of nostalgia and visiting pets. And it will not be tended.

Tell me in the comments, do you prefer grass lawns or sanity?

As always, have fun!